Well, folks... isn't life just crazy?
This time last year, I was married. I was living in a beautiful condo, with a beautiful dog, a beautiful family, a perfect job, a sexy car. This time last year, everything was so different.
Welcome to 2016.
In May of last year, my husband and I officially separated. The last 10 months have been some of the most trying months of my life. There's been so much good, and so much bad. For awhile there, actually quite a long time, I was letting the bad outweigh the good. Not cool for a positive and upbeat person like myself. I wasn't myself. I couldn't be myself. I wasn't allowed to be happy. I wasn't allowed to be selfish and choose myself and my happiness and my life, because I was being reminded daily of what a heinous person I was.
I began to believe it. I began to believe that I was this monster who tore apart a family and stole everyone's happiness. I mean, I wasn't happy. But everyone else was, right? So... obviously, that is the most important thing - everyone else being happy. At least that's how it's always been. That's truly always been my thinking.
Only this time around, I decided, FUCK NO. I am going on this journey... I am going to go on this journey and focus on ME and try to remain strong and find my happiness.
My ex-husband and I lived together until the end of September. It was a very trying time, those 5 months. We had days where we got along great. Days when I could see things potentially working themselves out. But there were way more bad days than there were good. Things didn't get better after I moved out, only we weren't fighting in person and in front of our son anymore. It was all via text message and email and phone calls - which is almost worse! There is no walking away from that. Damn technology.
So, I've been here. Going on 5 months now! Here, in this place, with my beautiful dog, my amazing son (half time), my dream bedroom.
I've suffered anxiety and panic attacks and depression. I've had days where I really don't feel like I can do this - just the other night (Sunday night) was one of them. I still think about going back... because it would be so much easier for everyone. Money wouldn't be so tight. Andrew would have his mom and dad together. I'd have someone to sleep with at night. I wouldn't be happy... but sometimes, I truly think that my happiness is the least important of everything. Who cares about happiness when everything else and everyone else is great?
But then I give myself a big ol' reality check. What would I be going back to? No. No. I'm stronger than my greatest weakness.
Keep your head up, Shannon! You are doing the right thing. A mom who puts herself before everybody else is the best mom because you are showing your son by example that he needs to take care of himself, and his happiness counts as much as anybody else's. He will remember seeing his mom struggle and survive the hard times. In those weak moments, just keep the big picture in mind--is it something you truly want or is it just convenient? You're on a journey, and no one can walk it except you. Keep taking care of yourself, stand up for yourself, and make decisions that benefit you, which will in turn benefit your son. It sounds like you are on the right track...and just know that you are not alone in your panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. Love you, and keep up the awesome work! You are a fantastic mom and a beautiful and strong woman! xoxoxox
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