Living on the Outside... Dying on the Inside

Well, day one of my diet sucked.

I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY trying to be good.  I know this next six days will be a living hell, but I can get through it.  It's only six days, right?  I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I've been alive for 10,613 days, so six days is really not even a fraction of that.  Literally.  I guess it's 6/10613, but that's nothing.  Literally, it's ZERO.

Babbling again, sorry.

Anyway, this next six days will be rough, but I think it'll be worth it.  I'm not going to completely restrict myself form all the foods I love!  Are you crazy???  I still have needs!  Yesterday was terrible.  I had an emotional breakdown after freaking out on some girl for a parking ticket that wasn't even a parking ticket (which was STILL wrong), so I went home and ate cake.  Do I feel guilty?  Absolutely fucking not!  I was good all day, I still have to maintain a minimum amount of calorie intake, and without the cake, I wouldn't have made that minimum intake.  So, that cake was a godsend, really.  And it was really good, too.  Red velvet coffee cake.  SO yummy.

So, by now, you're probably asking what's up with my title, right?  I mean, I've rambled on long enough.  Let's get to the point.  

Truly, I'm not even sure that the title accurately describes how I'm feeling or how I'm living my life.  It's just a song that happened to be on my iPod this morning, and I really enjoyed it.  You know what else was on my iPod?  The entire Lego Movie soundtrack.  YEAH!  You're jealous.  Anyway, living on the outside, dying on the inside.  I just feel like...  Yeah, I'm living, I'm doing things, I go to work, I go home, I cook, I bake, I do everything that I truly love to do...  But I don't actually enjoy doing it anymore.  I don't like doing anything at all.  Except driving by myself and listening to loud music, because that's always my escape.  I LOVE cooking and baking and getting creative and trying new things.  But, lately, even cooking and baking has become a chore.  Like, I volunteered to bring cupcakes for my son's teachers next week, and I just really don't feel like it.  Normally, I'd be researching some really neat cupcake ideas for Teacher Appreciation Week, but I'm just not feeling it.  So, I'll just end up making some plain old chocolate cupcakes, which will completely disappoint my son, and devastate me.  I mean, he expects a higher level of cupcakes from me.  I sure hope I can deliver...  But I can't guarantee it.

So I guess that's what I mean.  Living on the outside, still doing the things I used to enjoy, but dying on the inside, I don't actually enjoy them anymore...

And I fucking hate it.