Here I Am

Good morning, and welcome to my blog.

I've been blogging for a number of years now.  Going on five years, I believe!  It might even be five years already.  Crazy how time flies.  Anyway, I started out as a newly laid off gal, bored as hell, staying at home with my son for the summer while I waited for school (for both him and I) to start.  I wasn't in the process of doing anything productive, and instead of sitting on the computer all day playing Scrabble with my friend Mike, I thought I'd do something with all the thoughts in my head.  So, I started this blog!

(Just went back, I started this blog March 2010, making it going on FOUR years, and I didn't start it while I was laid off, I lied).

ANYWAY.  To continue with my story!

Over the last four years, I've seen a lot of changes happen.

I've had heartbreak, and heart mending.  A LOT.

I've had sadness, and happiness.  Tears and laughter.

I've experienced loss...  So much so that I don't even know who I am, or what I believe in anymore.

I have this complete sense of sadness in my life, and I'm so goddamn tired of it.  I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of feeling like I don't have a purpose.  I'm tired of being surrounded by negativity.  I'm tired of people not understanding me, especially those who are supposed to stick by my side no matter what.  I'm just tired of it all.  I feel like I need to start fresh.  I need to get rid of ALL the people in my life who don't belong in my life, and just start over.  Especially all those people who have constantly judged and questioned every single decision I have made.  I don't need that shit.  

Everyone that is in my life, is there for a reason.  I love you all unconditionally and without question.  If you make a decision, I support your decision, whether I believe that it's right or wrong.  

There are very few people in my life that I believe reciprocate those feelings.  I recently lost one of those people to cancer.  A beautiful woman, who loved and lived without hesitation.  One of the few women in my life who may have questioned decisions I made, as most people who love a person does, but never judged me because of them.  Never coined me as "weak" or "stupid" or any other adjective that I KNOW others have used to describe me.  

So, today, here I am.  This is me.  Whether or not you accept me, that's your choice.  But I'm not going to let your feelings and opinions about me dictate who I am.  I've been alive for 29 years, a lot of those years have been spent alone, in silence, with a complete sense of sadness.  I don't want to feel that way anymore.  And, if you're one of those people who make me feel sadness, you can bet your bottom dollar I just don't care about you anymore.  

I AM IMPORTANT.  Maybe not to you, but I am important to someone.  A few someones.  I matter.  People care about me, and love me, and accept me for me.  I can no longer waste my time and energy on all those people who don't care.  

The NEW Shannon will be happy.  The NEW Shannon is not going to be afraid to try new things and to speak her mind.  The NEW Shannon is going to do whatever it takes to become a healthy, happy human being.  If you couldn't accept the old Shannon, the sad Shannon, depressed Shannon, the always-anxious Shannon, then you aren't welcome to participate in the life of the NEW Shannon.  

To quote The GORGEOUS Marilyn Monroe:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."