For Fuck Sakes!

I'm yelling at myself.  And punching myself.  And hating myself.  And I can hear my mother screaming at me, "Shannon Louise!" like she always does whenever she gives me crap for anything.  I'm giving myself crap right now. 

I like to consider myself a strong individual.  Key word being individual.  I don't rely on people.  Hell, I've been constantly disappointed with people, so I don't even turn to people.  Maybe my expectations of people are too high.  Maybe my expectations of everything is too high.

Anyway, this blog post is not about my expectations/constant disappointments in life.

This post is about how I've let my guard down, how I let someone into my life, into my heart, into my soul, and now...  Well, now that someone is there.  And will not GO THE FUCK AWAY!

I don't let just anyone into my life, because I don't like to be hurt.  I am a very independent person.  Loner, some could say.  But last week, I felt like...  I felt like my heart had been torn out, stomped on, and ripped into a million pieces when I said goodbye.  I can honestly say that I have never cried that much over a person (except for my son) in my life.  I have never felt such sorrow and such a loss in my 27 years of being on this planet. 

After talking (well, emailing), we've kind of smoothed things over...  But it still doesn't feel right.  I still feel...  I still feel lost.  I don't like feeling lost.  I still feel like I'm missing something.  Well, I'm missing someone. 

WHY!!!!???!?!  WHY did I let myself become attached?  Why did I let someone into my life, into my heart?  I know better.  It must have happened in my sleep or something...  Because I would never consciously do it.  Not that I don't WANT people in my life, because I do.  I just don't ever, never ever ever, never want to feel this horrible sense of loss ever again.

So guess what, person?  You are stuck in my life now, because you're not allowed to leave.  I refuse to feel the way I felt when I thought I'd never talk to you, never see you, never hug you, ever again.  You mean way too much to me to ever let you go...  And to quote you, "you're in my "special friend" category...honestly, no one else is in that category right now...so just you".

xoxo