Whoa! Happy 100!

Hello Readers!
Today is my 100th blog post!  Waaaaahooooo!!!!  Party!  Celebrate!  Etc. Etc. Etc....
Anyway, unfortunately, I'm not here to write about parties and celebrations.  I wish I was.  Well, I guess I sort of am.  I'm just writing about a party/celebration that I was to have so bad, and that my fiance doesn't seem to care SHIT about.  Pisses me off, really.  I'm getting sick of waiting, and wondering how long I will have to wait.  I wonder, "When will he LOVE me enough to make me his wife?"  It's just not fair.  We've been together for 7 years, 1 month, and 2 days.  What else do I have to prove to him?  Now my question mark on my keyboard stopped working and I have no idea how to fix it.  It now looks like this É .  Fuck.
Anyway, I really don`t know what else to do.  I don`t know how else to fix this.  I just want to be Mrs. Kotlar.  I want to be part of this family.  I`m sick and tired of being ``the Saemann``.  Not that I don`t like being a Saemann, but that`s what life is all about.  You grow up, have a child out of wedlock, and then get married 7 years later.  Right?  LOL.  
I think I have changed my mind again.  I want to get married in Vegas;  I want to get married in Saskatoon.  I don`t understand why we can`t do something small here in Saskatoon, then go away.  We have to get married in Canada anyway (at least sign the documents).  So why not?
I love Chris so much...  but I don`t know if I`m willing to wait forever to make my dream come true.  I want to be married.  I want to have that amazing bond with him that no one else will have.  I don`t want anything to be different except my name.  At this point, I just don`t care anymore.  I just want to be his wife.  It`s just not fair.
There are people who are together for less than a year or two who are getting engaged and getting married and having babies and doing all this stuff that I wish I could do, but I can`t because my fiance doesn`t want to get married and my body doesn`t want me to have any more babies.  And it`s not fair!  There are people out there who have 10 children and can`t even take care of one!  I`m a damn good mom and an amazing person and I deserve more babies.  And I deserve a husband­.  I deserve to be Mrs. Kotlar.  I deserve to not have to worry about money every single day.  I work fucking hard and deserve to get some of the things that I want!!!  If I can`t have more babies, the least my fiance can do is marry me, and give me that one little dream of mine.  We all know that it`s not going to happen, because he just doesn`t understand why it`s so important to me.  He gets mad when I talk about getting married.  And then I get all worried again.  I shouldn`t have to worry.  A wedding should be happy.  Not worrysome.  And that`s all it is.  I`m worried that if we do get married, he`ll feel as though I forced him into it.  I don`t want that.  I want him to want to marry me.  I don`t want to MAKE him be my husband.  
I just wish that he would show me that he does want to marry me, and stop worrying about everything.  Stop worrying about the big, fancy wedding or the Vegas wedding.  Just stop worrying about the money.  And just have MY dream wedding.  Very small.  Twenty people or so.  Intimate.  Just the people that we love the most.  Parents, brothers, sisters.  And Andrew, of course.  Just them.  No one else.  Just get married.  And that`s all.  That`s all I want.  After I`m Mrs. Kotlar, the rest will fall into place.  Because I feel as soon as I am his wife (as lame as this sounds) I will be able to do anything.  Because I will be part of a family.  His family.  This family.  Chris, Shannon, and Andrew Kotlar.  When I go to Safeway and they call me Mrs. Kotlar, it will actually be true.