Lonliness.

I haven't actually written a blog post for awhile, so I figure, today might just be the day.

Lonliness is probably the worst feeling in the world.  Feeling like you have absolutely no one.  One would think, "There is always family", but I have pushed my family away.  "What about your fiance?"  I think I am pushing him away too.  "How about your co-workers, or friends?"  Pfft.  All my co-workers basically ignore me, and I them, and what friends?  I guess I have a couple friends, but no one that can really get rid of this feeling of lonliness.

I don't know what it is.  It really hadn't been that bad.  It really only started this week.  I used to chat with people at work once in awhile.  I've kind of stopped that.  Yesterday, I overheard a lady in the hallway saying something about something that's going on.  She said, "Everyone from this hallway is coming."  Well, I'm not.  I don't even know what you are talking about.  How could everybody be going if I'm not?  And I know they aren't talking about the potluck in a couple weeks - I know of a couple people down this hallway that aren't going.

I guess the big thing is - I feel like I have no one to talk to.  Everyone has their own things going on, I completely understand, I am sympathetic, I listen, I offer advice.  But I guess I just feel like there is no one to listen to me anymore - even if it is something as tiny as why I hate water.  LOL. 

At least I have my son.  He and I talk.  A lot.  My fiance doesn't believe it, but we do.  We talk all the way to daycare, and all the way home.  About the smallest things.  But he understands.  He gets it.  A five-year-old gets it.  That's why I love him so much - he gets it.  He's my best friend.  He's there when no one else is.  All he has to do is lay with me, pat my back, and say, "It's okay, Mommy" and I know it is okay. 

Another thing that has been bugging me, and obviously have no one to talk to about it - my relationship.  I get to feeling this way sometimes, but this time it's different.  The distance; it's just getting too big to ignore.  I mean, we live together, sleep in the same bed every night.  But nothing feels right anymore.  We are snappy at eachother all the time.  Or we are completely ignoring eachother.  I feel as though we have nothing to talk about.  We literally have NO sex life.  No romance (which I think is far more important than a sex life, as romance leads to sex; in my relationship, sex has never led to romance).  We are supposedly going on a date on Saturday night.  I say, "Where are we going?"  He shrugs and says, "I dunno."  And that's it.  No plan.  Nothing.  We need this date.  We haven't been on a real date in...  a long, long time.  So this is a necessity.  And if it's not good, I don't know what's going to happen.  All I know is we need this.  And he better plan it; everything I ever suggest gets shot down.  I say, let's go to dinner.  No.  Let's go bowling.  No.  Let's go mini golfing.  No.  SO FINE THEN.  YOU FUCKING PLAN IT.  And I swear; if I have to sit at home all damn night waiting for you; or if we do NOTHING...  I will be incredibly disappointed.  Incredibly. 

Okay.  Not going to lie.  I feel a bit better now, after getting some of my feelings out.  I love this blog, really.  It's very therapeutic to me.

I better get back to work.