Last night, I was putting Andrew to be, and he says "Mommy, I want to look outside. Please open the window covers so I can see the moon." So, I did that, with the assumption he just wanted to glance at it. Nope. He wanted them open all night. This morning he got out of bed and said, "Mommy, I've been up for awhile. I watched the sunrise. At first, there was no moon, no stars, no sun, just blue sky." I love my wonderful child. I love the simplicity that he offers. I love how he can make me look at things a certain way, that I may not have otherwise looked at.
Lately, I have been feeling somewhat... smothered, I suppose, would be the word. Like, I am going nowhere. This always seems to happen after I have been at a job for 3 months-ish. But it's not just the job this time, which I, by the way, still love. And in my head, I know I am going somewhere with it. I am helping people everyday. I just truly love it. I think it's because I feel like my relationship at home is going nowhere. Six and a half years. That's how long we have been together. Six and a half years. I have known him for almost seven years. And where are we? The same place we were six and a half years ago. Except with Andrew <3. I am just beginning to feel... stuck. Not forced, not anything like that, but stuck. Like I don't have other options, you know? I remember when Chris and I had split up for a bit about two years ago. I was seeing this guy, who will remain nameless. Now, I've had men just up and desert me, I've had men cheat on me, I've had men do some unthinkable things... But I have never, ever, ever been hurt so bad by what he said to me: "I don't see a future, because you have a child." Wow. Major sting. I just couldn't believe those words were coming out of a human being's mouth! Like, that's part of ME. You know? My child is ME. If you do not accept a child in the world, then what the hell? Just because I have Andrew, doesn't make me any different of a person! I am still a woman, I am still a living, breathing, loving, caring, spontaneous (although not quite as much, as I lost some of my 'spunk'), woman!!! Then he wanted to be friends. Well. Yeah, I don't think so. If you cannot accept me having a child, then you will not be my friend! I know it's different, dating someone with a child, and being friend's with someone with a child, but it still really, really hurt.
Anyway, I am about to head over to my mother-in-law's to help her out with some yard work. I have an amazing mother-in-law. I really, really do. I have been so blessed and lucky.
Anyway, I will leave you with my bitter song of the day. Enjoy!
Mike Posner "Falling"
Well alright
Oh oh lord
Well alright
Oh oh lord
Well alright
Oh lord
Well alright
Drive your high heel into my heart
I don't even care
Cause my pride is worth much more than your
Your stupid little love
Every word that you say keeps on bouncing around in my head
When all my delusions of grandeur have turned into bad jokes instead
You'll be there pointing and laughing to prove you were wiser than I
Well I'm just pretending perfection
I'm flying uncomfortably high
It feels like I'm falling
It feels like I'm falling
It feels like I'm all in
It feels like I'm falling
Drive your high heel into my heart
Cause I don't even care
My pride is worth much more than your
Your stupid, your stupid little love
Every word that you say keeps on bouncing around in my head
When all my delusions of grandeur have turned into bad jokes instead
You'll be there pointing and laughing to prove you were wiser than I
Well I'm just pretending perfection
I'm flying uncomfortably high
It feels like I'm falling [2x]
It feels like I'm falling [2x]
It feels like I'm all in [2x]
It feels like I'm falling [2x]
It feels like I'm falling [2x]
It feels like I'm falling [2x]
It feels like I'm all in [2x]
It feels like I'm falling [2x]
Well alright
Oh lord
Well alright
Oh lord
Oh lord
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