Or, to ease her mind, F*** YOU 2013!!! F*** YOU VERY, VERY MUCH!
You've been a big dick to me, and I'm ready to get you out of my life forever.
Currently, I'm battling self-diagnosed mild depression. Why self-diagnosed? Because I dislike my doctor and choose not to visit him for my various mental health problems. I'm really trying the whole positive thinking thing, like people say I should, but you know what? Take that philosophy and shove it deeeeep up your ass, because it ain't working for me.
This year, 2013, was supposed to be MY YEAR. OUR YEAR. Instead, it's turned into the worst year of my entire life; I kid you not! Worse than the year(s) I was getting beat up constantly; worse than the year(s) of chronic bullying. Worse than all those years combined. It's been horrible. And I feel as though I have no one to talk to, because everyone's thinking is, "It could be worse!" You're right. It could be worse! But that thinking only causes me to think about the things that could possibly be worse in my life, which, in turn, depresses me even more.
FUCK YOU POSITIVE THINKING! YOU SUCK!
This year, so far, I've lost part of my husband; I've lost part of my sister; I've lost a grandmother; and, yet to go, I'm going to lose my Ninja. I've lost friends. I've lost money. BUT HEY, POSITIVE THINKING, GUESS WHAT??? I still have my house and my job!! YAY! (Okay, no sarcasm there, I'm happy I still have my house and my job).
The one thing/person I thought I could count on, through thick and thin, til death do us part, is no longer around either. Not my husband, no. My best friend. I thought I could count on that person forever. I thought we had each others' backs, no matter what, no judgement. But I had that all pegged wrong. Clearly, I'm a terrible judge of character. So here's to you:
I've been there. I've been there for you, no matter what you were going through. I was always there to lend a shoulder, to listen to you, to cry with you. Now that I need YOU, suddenly, you're not there. So, FUCK YOU, BEST FRIEND. FUCK YOU.
Yesterday, I started crying at the dentist. Like, legit crying. BAWLING. Not because they hurt me, which they did! Bastards "zinged" me. No, because after the zinging, I was feeling ultra sensitive, and thinking about this past year, and thinking about my Ninja not being there on Christmas morning to jump into all the empty boxes, and thinking about how I can't be with my mom on Christmas (her first Christmas without HER mom), and thinking about my life in general, and trying to figure out when it all fell apart.
I know exactly when, where, how, and why it fell apart, and who caused it. But I will never say it out loud.
Damn, I need a manicure.
There, I've had my rant for the day. I've got nothing else to say, not at the moment. I plan on coming back and writing more, but I can't promise.
xoxo
Shan
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