I realize it's been awhile since I actually sat down and wrote a blog post.  So, here it is.  No holds barred.  Just me and my keyboard, and you and your computer monitor. 

These last two weeks of my life have been rough to say the least.  Everyone keeps saying, "Oh, you're so strong, Shannon."  Bullshit, I say.  I've just had so much heartache, that this little bit of pain doesn't even effect me.  Or is it affect?  I'm not sure.  If someone could clarify the difference for me, that would be great.

I am not strong.  I am weak.  I just have this fucking amazing shield that I put up that protects me from any pain.  I don't get hurt, because I don't let people into my life to hurt me.  I don't mean to do it.  It's just a way of protecting myself, I suppose.  I can't think of any other reason why I wouldn't have friends, why my guard is always constantly up.  I just don't know. 

I love every single person in my life; you all have a place.  You're all here for a reason.  If you're in my life, you must be pretty damn special, because I don't let just anyone in.  Even those people in my life, though, I don't really talk to about anything.  Nothing in depth, nothing too personal.  Why?  Fear of judgement; fear of criticism.  Fear of not belonging...  Fear of no one wanting to actually hear me. 

In comparison, however, my problems are really nothing.  I've got it good!  I've got a family who loves me, a man who adores me, a child who looks up to me...  I've got few friends, but the friends I do have, I consider close friends. 

I never really worry much about myself.  Because I know I can get through pretty much anything.  Right now, though, I've been having major dizzy spells for a couple weeks...  I've been exhausted beyond the point of exhaustion, and I just...  I just want to shut myself away for a day or two, and just cry...  Just cry and hold onto my teddy bear and cry....

But I must be strong.  I cannot be weak.