Yuppers.

My life is a horrible bunch of confusion right now. I really don't think there has been any other point in my life where I have been so unsure about almost everything.  I am not content with any of the decisions I have made.  Well, with the exception of one:  my son.  I would not trade him for anything in the world.  I absolutely know that he is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  I hate this feeling.  I don't want to get up in the morning; yet I don't want to be at home.  I want a new job; yet I love where I am and what I am doing.  I have never felt more unconfortable with who I am and where I am than I do right now.

I constantly find myself looking at job postings, and yet, nothing could ever be as great as where I am now.  I LOVE my job.  I have NEVER LOVED a job more than I do right now.  Where I work is amazing.  We make a difference in people's lives.  The people I work with are amazing, even though I don't know many of them.  But I know they care about people, or they wouldn't be working here. 

I don't know...  Maybe I'm just going through a phase.  Do 26 year olds still go through phases?  I'm not sure.  Whatever it is, I hope it passes soon.  Because I'm getting really tired of being unhappy.  All I want to do is smile again.  I am certain that's not too much to ask.  Everyone deserves to smile.

The thing is, I have a lot of things to smile about.  I've accomplished more than I ever thought possible in the last year and a half.  Sure, I've had my struggles, but who hasn't?  I graduated from college, something I never thought would be possible.  Graduated with honours!  I got a great job!  Not just great, amazing.  AN AMAZING JOB!  I quit chewing my nails, which I am especially proud of, since I've chewed them ever since I can remember.  I lost weight!  Yes, I'm still losing weight (check out my other blog http://no-imnotpregnant-imjustfat.blogspot.com/).

So why can't I find contentment?



On another note, I love Chris Kotlar.  I really, really love him.  I just wish he could understand, or took the time to understand, what's going on with me right now.  He just doesn't get why I'm so unhappy all the time.  I guess I don't either.  But I feel like he's giving up on me.  The last thing I need is for him to give up on me.  So, Chris, if you read this, please don't give up on me.  I need you in my life.  I want you in my life.  I need you to help me understand why I am so unhappy.  You are supposed to be my life partner - so help me.  Don't give up.  Don't throw your fists up in frustration/anger.  Be there for me, even when I don't know what I need.  Just be there.  Don't silence me out; don't try to have idle conversation with me.  Just be there.  That's all I need.  I don't deserve to be treated like I'm some leper or something.  I need to be loved; I need you to show me you love me.  SHOW ME.  Not just with words.  You can say "I love you" all you want.  If you don't show me, if you don't act like you love me, I'm not going to believe it.  Short and simple.  Go the extra mile to get me gingerale when I am sick.  Instead of talking for 30 minutes about your day before asking me about mine, ask about mine first.  Show me you care about me and my life.  And clean up after yourself!  Geez!  I don't ask for much.  I really don't, and you know that.  But I am asking you for something now - don't give up.  Just love me like I need to be loved.