A lot to talk about...

Hello, dear old friend, it's been awhile.

I've been going through a lot emotionally lately.  Work, at home, in my own personal space.  A lot has been happening.  And I haven't been blogging about it, just holding it in.  So I am (hopefully) going to start back on the right track here :)

Let's start with the most recent - it will probably be the only thing I even talk about - Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be, in my eyes, a time for family.  A time for being together.  A time for love, peace, joy, and happiness.  A time when you put all your petty differences aside, and just enjoy each other.  A time for eating lots of goodies and sharing your wonderful baking and cooking with others.

Unfortunately, that's not the way it's going to be in my house.

A couple of weeks ago, my fiance asked me, "Are you parents coming for Christmas?"  I said I didn't know.  So I asked them, because I assumed, by him asking if they are coming, he was inviting them. 

They said, "Yes, we are coming, is it alright if your sister comes as well?"  I said, yes, no problem :)

I love to cook my Christmas Eve meal.  It takes a lot of preparation, but it's worth it.  It's all worth it.  It's friggen delicious.  Borscht, perogies, and nalysnyky.  No meat.  All starch and fat and cream.  LOL!  That's how the Ukranians eat though, no?  Well, this is Chris' favorite foods.  So that's what we have.

So, after speaking with my mom, I tell my fiance that they are, in fact, coming, and so is my sister.  They will be coming on Christmas Eve and leaving Christmas morning after breakfast.

Let the fucking fit begin.

After I tell him that they are coming, he yells at me, screams at me, punching walls, having a complete FIT, saying I never consulted with him about this.  Well, yes, I did.  You asked me if they were coming, and I found out they are.  Isn't that consulting?  Isn't that what the definition of consulting is?  You asked me a question, I couldn't answer it, and I found the answer out for you.  Voila.  What you wanted.

Obviously not what he wanted.

So, now, we have been fighting about this one day for more than a week.  It gets swept under the rug a couple times, and just forgotten about.

On Sunday, I said, a decision needs to be made.

He says, "I want you to pick one day."

OK.  I said OK.  I will pick one day.  I assumed, since we are going to spend Christmas with my entire family on the 18th, that it meant the 18th, 24th, and 25th.  I assumed I was to pick one of those three days.  So I cancel the 24th and 25th, breaking my heart, and my mom's heart, and my sister's heart, in the process.

THEN he gets mad that I cancelled!  And why did he get mad that I cancelled?  Not because people's feelings were hurt.  But because now HE looked like the bad guy.  Which he was.  Everyone's feelings get hurt, because we are all excited to spend this wonderful, magical day together.  But he's upset because now he looks like the bad guy.  Now he looks like a jerk.  But it doesn't matter that everyone's Christmas Spirit is now ruined.  All that matters is that he doesn't look like a fucking evil asshole. 

So, I bet you can guess what happens next, can't you?

More freaking out, yelling, screaming, punching things...  And it goes on and on and on.  I give him what he wants - he yells.  I do what I want - he yells.  I'm seeing a pattern here.  And it's getting sickening.

I'm really getting tired of not having a relationship with my family.  I told Chris that whatever his problem is with my mom (and obviously there is one), he better fix it.  I'm not living like this forever.  My mom IS trying, and I know she is.  She's doing a lot more than she used to do.  She is becoming a better mother and grandparent.  She's trying to spend more time with us.  She's trying to get the whole family together more often.  She's trying.  But it's never good enough for the HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY AND FUCKING PERFECT CHRIS KOTLAR.  Nothing is ever good enough for him.  And I really, truly, mean nothing. 

I am running out of options.  This has been going on for almost six years.  And I really, really can't deal with it anymore.  I am getting ready to cut my losses.  Check my budget and see if I can do it, and then just cut my fucking losses.  Because obviously this relationship isn't a winner.  He always says he imagined having a good relationship with his in-laws.  Well, treating them like shit and uninviting them on Christmas isn't really promoting a good relationship, is it?

I broke up with him last night.  Then he broke a door.  So we talked.  I told him, if he fixes that door by December 31, we will have a chance.  If not, screw him.  He will get his one-month notice and get the fuck out. 

I'm not going to tolerate this anymore.  I can't.  He's always worried about how he's going to look like the bad guy.  Never worried about how I'm going to feel.  He hits me, he worries about how some guy is going to beat the shit out of him.  He's extremely selfish.  And I'm not going for it anymore.  He's going to change.  He's going to step it up a fucking notch and not worry so much about himself anymore.  He's done making himself and his stupid fucking job his #1 priority.  I'm #1.  And so is Andrew.  Andrew and I are all that matter.  And he's pushing us away.