Now, don't get me wrong: He is an amazing man. He is a wonderful father, a genuinely decent (although occasionally selfish) person, an all around good man. Sure, we have been through our share of ups and downs, but who hasn't? Our relationship has never really been normal, and I don't think a lot of people understand that our "bickering" is really just our way of showing our love for one another.
I was watching these new show on ABC, I think, called "Better With You". It chronicles the relationship of three couples: The first one, a new relationship, the woman found out she is pregnant, now they are planning on getting married; The second one, a couple who have been together for 9 years, aren't married, no kids, because "it's a valid life choice"; the third are the parents of the two girls in said relationships, togethr 35 years. It's hilarious, because when I watch this show, I compare mine and Chris' relationship to that of the 35 years married couple. We have been together for 6.5 years. If you watched the show, then watched Chris and I for a day or so, you would see the resemblances. It's uncanny. Hilarious!
Anyway, that being said, I also wanted to talk about selfishness in relationships. It's almost impossible to avoid. But how much is too much? When should you put the needs of the other person first, and ignore your own sometimes selfish desires? Last week, when Mike and I were talking "positivity", it was hard for me to think of two positive things my fiance does for me. I probably do the same thing, though, and don't even think about it! One thing that I have noticed as of late, is he hasn't been calling me Baby. Ever since we first started dating, he has called me Baby. It's a little alarming to me, because I don't remember the last time he called me Baby. It's always Shannon now. And for the first six years of our relationship, I think he called me by my first name maybe a handful of times. Even when we were arguing and fighting and everything that we do, he would call me Baby. Now I'm lucky if I get a "Shan". It's probably me overreacting, but this is the selfishness thing: He didn't think about how it made me feel when he called me Baby. Now he has stopped. Maybe he stopped awhile ago, and I am just noticing it. Or maybe it really has been recent. I am going to have to pay closer attention to him. See what he calls me.
As you also know, I have been going through some health problems. Not really health "problems", per se, but changes, I suppose. I have this disease called PCOS. I don't know if it's supposed to affect your... ahem... sexual desire... but no matter what I do, I can't seem to... increase my sexual desire. I mean, we used to, um, do it, like 3-4 times a week. When we were first together, sometimes it was 3-4 times a day! Now, it's about once a month, if we are lucky. It's really hard! Because I want to want to do it, you know? But my body just doesn't want to. So, I am going to see a gynecologist, or however it's spelled, and try to figure out how I can get it all under control. Perhaps talk to her about my sexual desire, or lack thereof.
Anyway, what got me into this whole thinking about selfishness was, what else, a song. It's a song about a man who would do anything for his woman, and she won't do anything for him.
Selfishness tears apart relationships. Sometimes people stay with the person who is being selfish. Sometimes it can be fixed. We all have our own way of dealing. Some people will remain unhappy their whole lives. Some people will do whatever they can to ensure their own happiness comes first. Some people would take a bullet for the person they are with. Some people will fuck you over so many times. Some people will continue to take it. I am definitely not a relationship specialist. I am no specialist in any area, at all. I write what I feel. I write what is on my mind. Today, it is selfishness in relationships.
Everyone must make their own decisions as to what they want for the rest of their lives. People can change. Trust me, my fiance is LIVING PROOF. Sure, he still fucks up, but he wouldn't be human if he didn't. He has hurt me more than anyone could ever imagine. "Every rose has it's thorn", right?
Anyway...
"Grenade" by Bruno Mars
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open - Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same
No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;
But you won't do the same
If my body was on fire, ooh
You’ d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no
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